In this day and age, it is more common for men to be more effeminate and reject true masculinity. Men are in a crisis of masculinity, and they need to step up and take it back. For too long, men have been fed a distorted version of masculinity, focused primarily on womanizing, violence, and satisfying their impulses. In this article today, I want to give advice to men on how to reject effeminacy and embrace Godly manhood.
What is Effeminacy?
When I say effeminacy, I’m not referring to feminity. Feminity is the virtuous characteristic that women are called to pursue. Effeminacy is defined by St Thomas Aquinas as a vice that is opposite of perseverance. Effeminacy is when someone is “ready to forsake a good on account of difficulties which he cannot endure.” St Thomas continues and explains, “This is what we understand by effeminacy, because a thing is said to be ‘soft’ if it readily yields to the touch.” St Thomas also describes effeminancy as a reluctance to suffer due to an attachment to pleasure.
So, in other words, effeminacy is when a man refuses to do what he needs to do, because he doesn’t want to deal with any hardships or lose something he finds pleasure in. Comfort must be maintained at all costs, and becomes more important than doing good things or pursuing virtue. Sin and vice are excused as needs rather than difficulties to resist.
Effeminacy is a kind of spiritual softness. It makes someone malleable and easily squished and formed into something else. With effeminacy, principles are determined by everyone else, because it’s difficult to stand up for what you believe in and go against the current. Pleasure and avoiding any sort of pain is above knowing and pursuing good, because the pursuit of good is difficult and pleasures are easy.
What Causes Effeminacy?
If effeminancy is a reluctance to suffer because of difficulties or a loss of pleasure, then it’s clear that people are too attached to pleasure.
Look around today, and it’s easy to see why people are soft. People refuse to give up their electronics or television. If the internet went down, there would be so many electronic addicts going through some pain and suffering. Convenience is seen as a right in our society, and there must be something wrong if someone has to go through some inconvenience. Life even fifty years ago wasn’t nearly as easy as it is now.
Pleasure is everywhere, and the world places the pursuit of pleasure far above any other thing to strive for. You’re allowed to cut any person from your life because they disagree with you. You can refuse to do what a boss tells you to do and they’re wrong if they fire you. If you’re feeling depressed, it’s better to get that quick fix of pleasure instead of addressing what caused you to be depressed. Social media fills our brains with dopamine with every like we receive. Porn is incredible accessible, and every kink you can think of is catered to.
And yet, people are still unhappy. Constantly seeking pleasure does not cause happiness, it only manifests addictions and depression. When we forsake good for pleasure, we’re willfully refecting what is Godly for what is worldly. This causes people to forgo the ability to choose what is good and only choose what they feel. If we only choose what we feel, we’re no different than animals living on instinct And when people take a look at themselves after constant pleasure seeking, all they see is someone who is more animal than human, even if they don’t admit it to themselves. This causes people to sooth themselves in the same way they’ve known for so long, through pleasure, and the cycle continues.
What Does Effeminacy Look Like?
There are many different characteristics of effeminacy that show themselves as someone falls into this vice. This is not all an exhaustive list, but contains many that I have seen. Not all of them are present at the same time however.
- Whining/complaining
- Easily devasted
- Need for approval from others
- Agreeing with others to avoid conflict (yes men)
- Refusing to make decisions for yourself or others.
- Easily angered
- Hours of time on video games
- Hours spent watching TV
- Frequent unemployment
- Laziness
- Slothfulness
- Inability to make plans and stick to them
- Blindly agreeing with either political group
- Inability of standing up for yourself and your beliefs
- Timidity
- Lack of Confidence
- Hesitancy
- Complacency
- Promiscuity
- Lustfulness
- Objectification
There are so many more, but a common theme here is that it keeps us from doing good things, and many times keeps us from doing anything!
How Do We Fight This?
As men, we are called to combat this insidious evil. The following remedies have been shown to be effective in doing this.
- Prayer- this is the best weapon against this evil and every evil we face. Men need to learn how to pray again. Prayer has been labeled as feminine, or girl stuff, but in reality prayer is how we capture our real masculinity. If you want to reclaim masculinity, you need to pray every single day, at least an hour. The Rosary is the best prayer to say for this time, but there are other prayers too. You could also pray a half hour in the morning and at night. Whatever you choose to do, you must have a prayer routine.
- Fast- obstaining from certain foods and activities helps strengthen our resolve to push through when we really want something. When you’re sitting in front of a donut you really want, and you manage to resist, you are strengthening your ability to persevere. Lent is perfect for this, and this year it starts on February 17th. So figure out what is most dominant in your life that you need to be detached from. Do you watch too much television or play too much video games? Do you waste too much time and need to start scheduling things? Do you need to pray more?
- Get Inspired-look for examples of genuine masculinity. An inspiring video series to check out is the “Into the Breach” series on the Knights of Columbus youtube page https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8dhS0o-trLjWzcr-cZLIhiIKxdvY7A81
- Cut down on electronic usage- set timers on all your apps. Force yourself to out down your phone more often. Keep your phone in the other room when you’re bored.
- Quit Any Porn Use- porn kills masculinity like nothing else. It teaches men to think of women as objects for their pleasure. It causes men to be addicted to the pleasure it brings, leading to men seeking out more and worse forms of it. Porn fosters this disordered view of other people, that they exist for your pleasure. Pornography is addicting, so it may be difficult to overcome, but it is absolutely necessary to obtain genuine masculinity.
- Reject Societal Standards of Masculinity- society has a very distorted view of real masculinity. To the world, a masculine man is someone who can get with as many women as he wants. The world would have you believe that real men spill out everything they’re feeling, take a backseat and let others lead, that men are supposed to be tolerant of everything. Or you hear about toxic masculinity, which would have you believe that masculinity is aggression and sexism. That masculinity means men prowling the streets ready to pounce on women. Neither one of these viewpoints are real masculinity. Real masculinity is about sacrifice, perseverance, being resolute in your beliefs, standing for your beliefs in the face of danger. Real masculinity is about supporting others in what they need not what they want to feel good. Real masculinity is a rejection of this world, because we know we must live in this world, but not of this world.
- Stop Avoiding Things- avoidance is rampant in our world. Men ghost women they were dating. So many men owe other people money and they never pay them back. Men will lie to get out of consequences, cheat to get things, and steal things from others that they can’t stand to pay for (especially online). Men need to start facing these uncomfortable situations. Every time you feel like lying, force yourself to tell the truth. Never ghost a girl you’re not interested in, they deserve more dignity than that. Pay for things, do not download things illegally, even if everyone is doing it. Face your life, stop trying to run from it!
- Integrity- promises are sacred things. Stop making promises and then breaking them. Either follow through, or don’t make the promise in first place.
- Humble Yourself- you are not the center of the universe. You are not as big as you think you are. Pride helps drive effeminacy, so humility is needed to fight it. When you realize how your life is not about what you want, but is about what God wants, things start to change for the better. Kneeling before a cross or the Blessed Sacrament is a great way to do this.
- Develop your Fortitude-Fortitude is the virtue that keeps us going when things get tough. When we need to persevere, or if we need bravery, or to stand up when no one else can, these are all linked to fortitude. Learn more about fortitude in this article that I wrote https://catholicgrowth.com/fortitude-growing-in-virtue-series/
- Stop Complaining- only people who have no control complain. Men are supposed to figure out and fix problems, and complaining is resigning yourself to the belief that you can’t fix it. Complaining, in a way, is giving up before you even try. It’s only function is to get attention and sympathy from other people. But how does that fix the problem? When complainers are basking in their ill-gotten sympathy, be the one who strives to fix things. Sure you might fail, but you still tried. Even when things seem hopeless you need to try.
- Find Other Men- other masculine men. Because as the Bible say, “Iron sharpens iron.” If the majority of men you hang out with are hedonistic and effeminate, you have no chance of fostering real masculinity from your friend group. Look for men’s groups at Church, join the Knights of Columbus, or try to inspire friends you already have to be more masculine. If you expect to become masculine and maintain masculinity, you need to be around other masculine people.
The Ultimate Example of Masculinity
Jesus Christ is the ultimate example of what it means to be a man. Not the “nice guy” Jesus we find in secular culture. The real actual Jesus suffered for 40 days in the desert, he overturned tables, said things that turned people away, told people to sin no more, stood up for a woman being stoned to death, and ultimately he suffered the worst imaginable pain possible when he died for us. Christ’s life was full of sacrifice, and a willingness to do what is right no matter what.
And this is what masculinity is about, sacrifice, integrity, and steadfastness. This is why men need to fight against the poison to their souls that effeminacy. To be effeminate is to not be a man. To be effeminate makes us fall short of our calling as men. If Christ were effeminate He never would have been able to suffer and die for us. He never would have been able to go through the scourging at the pillar, carrying the cross, and allowing himself to be nailed to the cross to die. Masculinity was required for our salvation that day.
Final Thoughts
Effeminacy is an especially devious vice, because it reinforces and supports other vices. The pleasure gained from lust becomes to much for people to part with. The decadence of gluttony is too enticing for people to pass up. The allure of self love, pride, brings people to a self inflated view that doesn’t match up to reality, but people still can’t stop thinking about themselves. This is why we as men need to combat this evil. We need to toughen up. Masculinity needs to be reconquered.
In order to succeed, we need to dig deep and fight. We need to force discomfort into our lives and get comfortable with being uncomfortable.